Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
