i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize