I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
