Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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