Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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