fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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