1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Randomize
