Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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