I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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