You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
