it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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