I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize