Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
