the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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