She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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