so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
