I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
