Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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