Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
