twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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