i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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