The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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