Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
