We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
