Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
