I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
