Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Im part way to drunk.
Pants are for mortals
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
