Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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