I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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