you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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