Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
