hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
