I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
