I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
