I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
two words: eviction party
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
