I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
