she looked like the bat from fern gully.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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