What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize