i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
be right there i have to get my cape
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
