I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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