May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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