Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
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