I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
