I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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