best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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