turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you will always have a special place in my vag
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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