I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
