Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
