I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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