I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
