Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
