I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
