i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
