Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
