dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize