I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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