Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
